


Little Love Letters

by CastheNerdfighter



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Ace Cas, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Autistic Cas, Bi Dean, Depressed Dean, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Letters, M/M, Minor Character Death, Past Child Abuse, Selectively Mute Dean Winchester, abandoned, long term friendship, mild bullying, passing notes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-07-28
Packaged: 2018-12-04 08:53:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11551782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CastheNerdfighter/pseuds/CastheNerdfighter
Summary: Dean met Cas on the first day of first grade. On that day, Dean had no way of knowing he would still be friends with him almost 15 years later, let alone hopelessly in love with him.There is only a tiny chance of me coming back to finish this fic, sorry guys :(





	1. First Grade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this fic will be at least 12 chapters long (one for each year of school). 
> 
> Disclaimers: I am not autistic (though my brother is), but I hope that through this fic, I can shine a light on autism, not as a disease, but as simply a part of life. I apologize in advance for inaccuracies, but understand that not all autistic persons experience the same things.
> 
> The same goes for Dean's depression. There may be an attempted suicide in a later chapter, if I write it I will make a note before the chapter. His depression will mostly be seen through Cas' eyes, so I hope it won't be triggering for anyone.
> 
> Lastly, later chapters may contain light nsfw content, I will also leave a warning if that's the case. Mostly this fic will be fluffy accounts of Dean and Cas as they grow up together and fall in love. Enjoy!

Dean is cleaning out his closet when he finds the boxes. He’s forgotten about them and if the thick layer of dust is any indication, they haven’t been touched in years. He pulls them out and sets them on his bed, pushing some dirty clothes to the floor to make room. Cas raises his eyes from his side of the bed but doesn’t comment. At least, until Dean opens them up to reveal the index cards within. Cas gasps, practically leaping across the bed.

“Are those-“ Cas starts. “Those are, are the cards from, from elementary school!” He’s too excited to work on speaking clearly.

“I forgot about these! Mom must have kept them, I thought I threw ‘em out! Look, this is the very first card I gave you,” Dean picks out a card, discolored with age and covered with a messy purple scribble, and gives it to Cas. He still flinches, more than a decade after first seeing the card, but doesn’t give it back. Dean hands him the second card, this time in blue, that Cas is visibly more relaxed holding. It’s funny how little things have changed in all this time.

As Dean and Cas take out the index cards, revealing longer notes and letters, they laugh and cry (just a little), remembering how they first met, and the many years since.

* * *

Dean walked into his first grade class with his head down. He didn’t want to be at school and he couldn’t wait to go home. He prefered to hang with Sammy at home, even if he was only two years old. He didn’t want his mother to leave, but she eventually escaped his clinging arms, and the teacher directed him to put his bag in the cubby with his name in it. The cubbies around him had funny names like Kaeitlyn and Brightney, but the one next to his had the strangest name: Castiel. Even as a young boy of six years, Dean knew that’s not a normal name. Still, it was cool.

He found the desk with his name on it, and slouched in his seat. He wished he could sink through the seat and disappear. When that didn’t happen, he watched as more parents arrive and dropped off their kids. He was there early because his mom had to take Sammy to the doctor’s. He’d been crying a lot lately, and wouldn’t quit wailing all the way to school. Dean hoped he was okay.

He was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn’t notice another young boy sit down next to him. He was startled when he glanced over to see a kid with messy black hair and a bright yellow t-shirt. The boy didn’t greet him or anyone else, just sat there. When he noticed Dean staring, he stared right back. After a few minutes of staring, Dean glanced away and rummaged through his stuff. He’d brought a pencil box with him to his desk, and he took out a purple crayon and an index card.

Dean didn’t talk. Well, he talked to Sammy, told him long and winding stories about knights in shining armor and of monsters great and fearsome. But he didn’t talk to anyone else. In his entire year of kindergarten, he didn’t speak a word. He hadn’t directly spoken to his parents in years. His mother gave up with doctors and recently tried a new way.

Dean loved to write. He had whole notebooks full to the brim with stories he had yet to tell Sammy, of his inner thoughts and things he’d seen. His mother had given him a pack of index cards and instructed him to write his thoughts if he didn’t want to speak. Dean had nodded, and before she left, Dean saw her speaking with the teacher. Dean didn’t speak, but he noticed everything.

He decided to write a note to the little boy sitting next to him.

 

_Hi! I’m Dean. What’s your name?_

 

He started to slide the card over the desk to the other boy, but he suddenly shook his head, scooting farther from the card. Dean pulled the card back, and the other boy relaxed.

Strange.

Dean decided to experiment. Sammy liked some colors but refused others. He would watch, entranced, as Dean built entire castles of blue and purple Duplo bricks, but if Dean added so much as one yellow brick, Sammy threw a fit. _Maybe it’s the same thing?_ Dean thought.

Dean hid the purple covered card in his desk, and pulled out his pencil box. He took the three different shades of purple and showed them to the other boy, who shrank away. He hid those away with the card, and pulled out other colors to show to the boy.

Yellow, good. Which should have been obvious, considering the boy’s bright yellow shirt.

Orange, good. Red, bad.

Blue, good. Green, bad.

And so on and so forth, until Dean had divided the colors of his crayons and markers into two piles. He grabbed as many of the “bad” colors as he could and dumped them in the trash can near his desk. When he came back he found that the other boy had places his own pencil box on Dean’s desk, if rather timidly. Dean did the same division to the new box, and returned the “good” colors to the other boy.

Finally, Dean tried again to write a note. With blue this time.

 

_Hi, I’m Dean! What’s your name?_

This time, the boy took the card and read it carefully. He squinted at it, suddenly flipped it over, and grabbing one of his crayons, bright orange, scribbled with the concentration only a six-year-old can give the task.

By the time the other boy was done replying, the teacher had clapped their hands and started class. Dean took the card from the boy as discreetly as he could.

 

_I’m ~~Cass~~ ~~Caste~~ ~~Catie~~ Cas._

 

 _Cas_ has obviously not had much practice writing his name yet, if the crossed-out attempts were any indication. Dean sent a small smile Cas’ way, then turned back to pay attention to the teacher.

* * *

Class went by with little fanfare, but Dean had fun. Cas, however, looked increasingly uncomfortable as the day went on. By the time lunch rolled around, he’d shrunk in on himself and refused to go to lunch with the rest of the class, even when the teacher’s aid tried to coax him from his seat.

Dean saw this going down from where he had grabbed his own lunch from his cubby, and picked Cas’ up too. It was heavy – heavier than Dean's – so he assumed Cas’ mother packed him soup or something. He struggled back to his seat where the teacher’s aid was trying to bribe Cas with a cookie.

He grabbed an index card from his desk and a gold crayon, scribbling a note out.

 

_Can we eat here?_

A question, one Dean was afraid to ask. But he didn’t want to go with the rest of the class, a bunch of noisy children who all wanted to talk to him, expecting him to reply. And Cas obviously didn’t want to go.

The teacher’s aid yelled to the teacher over the chattering of the other students, and gaining an affirmative, allowed Dean and Cas to stay in the classroom during lunch. The aid grabbed a seat at a desk a few feet away, keeping an eye on the two kids.

Dean handed Cas his lunch, and set his own on his desk. His mom had packed him a PB&J cut like dinosaurs, which he loved, and a baggie of carrots, which he hated. _Maybe I'll give them to Cas,_ Dean thought, hatching a plan. His mom had also packed a snack (a blueberry muffin) and two cookies. Lastly, she had stuck a blue sticky note on the pack of cookies.

 

_Dean-_

_A little sweet thing to remind you how sweet you are! I hope you have fun at school today and make some friends._

_I love you._

_-Mom_

Dean smiled at the note before glancing over at Cas’ lunchbox. It was stuffed the brim with sandwiches, peanut butter and honey by the looks of it. Dean laughed a little at how ridiculous it looked, but Cas’ glare silenced him.

They ate mostly in silence, and the aid took out her phone after she realized the boys weren’t going to get into any trouble. By the time the class came back to put away their lunchboxes for recess, Cas had finished two of the sandwiches and eaten half of the carrots Dean had given him. Cas handed Dean his lunchbox and Dean got up to put them away. When he returned to his seat, Cas had slipped him a new note.

 

_Thanks_

* * *

At recess, Dean and Cas hung back. They looked out over the field and playground, crawling with children of all ages. Two swings were free, but before Dean could move to grab them, they were filled by two laughing girls.

Dean turned to look at Cas, but found him running off in the direction of the fence. The tall fence ran around the school, and this corner was lined by trees and vines. One of the vines Dean recognized as honeysuckle. They had some at his house, so he knew when they would be good to suck on.

Picking a few good one, Dean handed one to Cas and kept one for himself. He demonstrated the proper technique seriously, and Cas mimicked his motions. Cas seemed to like to mimic his movements, and his face reflected his intense concentration. Dean laughed as Cas’ face moves from squinting to a bright smile.

 _So Cas likes honeysuckle?_ Dean did his best to remember that fact.

“Honey,” Cas murmured, so softly Dean almost didn’t hear it over the screams of children running nearby.

“Honey _suckle,”_ Dean corrected. His first words of the day. He smiled at Cas.

* * *

That first afternoon continued with little fanfare until it was time for parents to pick their children up. Dean’s mother had told him she would be late, but Cas was obviously impatient to leave.

 

_Who’s picking you up? Mom, Dad?_

Dean slid the card to Cas who shook his head. He took Dean’s marker from his hand, and crossed out _Mom_ and _Dad_ , writing _Brother._ Just as Dean took the card back, a loud man rumbled through the door.

He wasn’t any older than 19 at the time, but to Dean he seemed older. He swaggered up to Cas with a confidence Dean wished to have for himself. "Hey baby bro, ready to go home?" He spoke loudly as he picked Cas up and swung him around. Cas giggled,  _giggled_ , laughing for the first time all day. He looked so happy to see his brother that Dean was a little jealous. Which, even at the time, he knew was a little ridiculous. He'd just met Cas, they weren't even friends yet, were they?

Cas' brother interrupted Dean's thought spiral, asking Cas, "Who's your friend, there?"

And for the second time that day, Cas spoke. "Dean," he said, pointing at him.

"Well, hello there, Dean. I'm Gabriel, Cas' big bro!" Gabriel introduced himself. "But you can just call me Gabe. Or  _hey you_!" Gabe laughed as he tickled Cas, who he still hefted in his arms. "You got everything, Cas, my little man?" 

Cas nodded seriously, clutching his lunchbox in his hands, his backpack already on. He looked at Dean one last time, a little sad.

"Hey, now, don't be sad. You'll see Dean again tomorrow! And the day after that, and the day after that..." Gabe reassured Cas, tickling him with every  _after that._ Dean watched them leave, Gabe speaking loudly and clearly to Cas as he carried him out of the room. "We're going to the car, and then we'll pick up Anna from pre-school and Hannah from the middle school, and maybe Michael from work, and then we'll all get ice cream! How does that sound?"

It sounded pretty awesome to Dean, who was the last one in the classroom. He waited for ten minutes before the teacher asked him to get his things. She dropped him off at the front of the school where some older kids waited. Some of the meaner looking kids glanced at Dean, as if they were decided if it was worth it to bully him. But before they could make a decision, Mary pulled up in the family car, a beat up old Camry, and Dean quickly opened the back seat, finding Sammy in his car seat.

"How was school, honey?" Mary asked absentmindedly as she pulled out of the traffic circle. She didn't expect a response. "Make any friends?"

Dean thought for a moment. Was Cas his friend? Gabe had said he was. He grinned brightly, and spoke clearly: "Cas!"

Mary looked surprised, but hid it with her joy. "Well, that's wonderful, baby. And how does ice cream sound? We'll get some to go with the pie I made."

Dean didn't verbally respond to this, but the way his face lit up was enough to indicate how okay ice cream and pie sounded.

* * *

Mary kept the music on low as she drove, first to the grocery store to pick up something for dinner, then to the gas station, and finally to the ice cream parlor near their house. Dean waited in tense anticipation, occasionally whispering secretively with Sammy. When the car parked in a spot near the shop, Dean vaulted out, running around to open Sammy's door before Mary had even turned off the car. He helped Sam out of his car seat and started dragging him to the shop when he saw-

"Cas!" Dean yelled when he saw the young boy. He couldn't help it. He picked Sam up (against the wishes of his mother) and toddled over to where Cas was sitting outside the shop with Gabriel and a young girl with bright red hair. Mary called for Dean to wait up, but he didn't stop until he reached the group. He put Sam down but grabbed his hand to keep him from wandering off, waving at Cas with his other hand.

Cas was acting weird. He hadn't show it much at school, but now he looked like he wanted to go home, to not be in front of all these people. He looked a little happy to see Dean, but it was definitely overshadowed by his discomfort. Even the steadily melting ice cream in his hand wasn't able to console him.

"Heya, Dean-o," Gabe greeted Dean once he noticed him. He was currently occupied with helping the little girl wipe sticky ice cream from her face. Another, older, girl appeared from the shop with a bunch of napkins and took over.

Mary finally caught up and picked Sam up, taking Dean by the hand. "And who is this? Is this Cas?"

"Yes, ma'am, this here is Cas, and I'm his brother, Gabriel. This is Anna and helping her get cleaned up is Hannah. Our other brother, Michael, is inside. You must be Dean's mother." Gabriel extended a hand, which Mary shook while balancing Sam on her hip.

Dean couldn't stop staring at Cas, who stared right back. 

* * *

Looking back, Dean recognized the moment he knew he and Cas would be best friends. The box of notecards contained a multitude of notes, the only communication they had for many months. They were dated on the back, presumably by his mom, and they trickled off toward the end of the school year. They had become such good friends that year, that they were pen pals that summer. A series of letter, written through Gabriel and Mary, were exchanged that summer, on the topic of legos, bees, and some kid's show Dean didn't remember.

"Hey, do you remember that show we were obsessed with?" Dean asks. He's been looking through the box for over two hours, reminiscing, and Cas has almost fallen asleep. Dean smiled to himself, grabbing a blanket and laying it over him.

In hindsight, it's amazing they've been friends for over almost 15 years, but it always felt natural. Now, the summer before their senior year at college, Dean is feeling nostalgic. Cas doesn't share his sentiments, and would rather forget his grade school years, but he understands that Dean has more good memories than bad. 

He writes down a note to remind him to ask Sammy to help him look for more boxes that his mother surely kept. They've been slowly packing up the house, especially since Sam will be leaving for college in the fall, and they'll sell the house shortly after. Bobby moved out as soon as Sam turned 18, and Dean blames his and Ellen's wedding earlier than month for his nostalgic mood. That's why Cas is here, keeping him company, instead of spending the night in his own home. Though Dean wonders if Cas even wants to go home anymore. He's more than happy to have Cas here with him.

He brushes his teeth and puts on some sweat pants before crawling into bed next to Cas.  _It helps him sleep,_ Dean tells himself.  _Get it together, man._  

In all the years Dean has known Cas, he's also known one thing. That he's in love with Cas.

But does Cas love him back? Surely he does, but in the same way? Perhaps there is some clue, some overlooked piece of the puzzle, in the boxes of letters that are probably hiding in the attic. Dean sure hopes so, or he's going to go crazy, lying here next to Cas, ever closer, but never close enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Send me a comment if you're so inclined! I'm thinking of maybe going back through and drawing the notes, or photographing some handmade ones. We'll see!


	2. Second Grade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some changes at school make life harder for Dean to see Cas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I firmly believe that Cas would either not understand gender roles or would just not care. Either way, I'm all for boys in skirts and dresses. Especially Cas.

Dean wakes up to a pillow being thrown at his face.  _Sammy_ , Dean immediately concludes. The sasquatch always missed him when he went away for college (it didn't matter if he was only half an hour away), and liked to show his affection by being a dick.

He flips over, grabbing at the blanket slowly slipping off the edge of the bed. But another pillow soon follows the first, hitting him more accurately on the back of the head.

_This means war._

But when Dean finally sits up in bed, it's not Sam he finds in the doorway, but Cas, with Dean's bright green toothbrush in his mouth, wearing a pair of Dean's boxers. Or, they had been Dean's boxers, some years ago. Now, he's relinquished them to Cas, who likes them for their soft inside. Which was from over-wearing, not special fabric. But Cas didn't care.

To any outsider, what Cas cared and didn't care about seemed random and inconsequential. Most people would be grossed out by another person using their toothbrush, but Dean was used to it. Cas was always stealing his stuff. He thinks it makes Cas feel closer to him.

Not properly awake, Dean leans over to the bedside table, grabbing a small whiteboard and marker.

 

_Breakfast at Ellen's?_

 

Cas smiles in response, turning around and running to the shower. Dean chases after him, but to no avail: Cas beat him to the shower, and proceeds to mock his slowness from behind the locked door. Dean makes a good show of sighing loudly, stomping off to his bedroom. It's a game they've played for years: acting "normal," or at least what Cas thought was normal from TV. It adds drama to their lives, but it allows Cas to control the drama, knowing that it isn't real and that Dean would never be really mad at him.

Dean gets dressed, forgoing a shower, and rummages about his room, finding his and Cas' wallets on the floor, unplugging both their phones from the outlet. He sets Cas' duffel bag on the bed on a clean spot and heads downstairs. Sam has already left, which disappoints Dean a little. He wanted to ask him about the letters, but he figures he can do a little exploring himself.

By the time he comes out of the attic (really a glorified crawl space), Cas is dressed in his favorite sundress and checking his messages. He never has any except from Dean, Sam, Gabe, or Anna, but it's a habit Cas finds comforting. When he sees Dean, he comes running, dress flowing around him.

"You're filthy!" He declares, wiping dust and cobwebs from Dean's head and shoulders.

Dean laughs at this, but proudly produces the fruits of his (dusty) labors: a large cardboard box labeled _Dean and Cas - Elementary._ "There's more up there, but I grabbed this one to start."

Cas heads downstairs with the box while Dean washes up and brushes his teeth (with the same bright green brush) before closing the door to the attic. When he arrives in the kitchen, Cas has dusted and meticulously organized the box by grade. Dean grabs the smaller box labeled "second grade," and holds the door open for Cas. He locks up, and throws the box in the back of the Impala before they head to the Roadhouse for a big breakfast of pancakes and nostalgia.

* * *

After a long summer of penpalling and a few playdates with Cas, Dean was happy to go back to school. He bounded into the classroom written on his schedule, one Cas had assured him he shared with Dean, but Cas wasn't there yet. Dean waited patiently, but soon the 9 surrounding desks were filled with his classmates, and by the time class began, the whole classroom was full, with Cas nowhere to be seen.

The last year had been great for Dean, and he'd become more and more vocal with his parents and classmates, but in this moment he couldn't find his words.  _Where's Cas? Where's Cas? Where's Cas? Where's Cas?_ Repeated over and over in Dean's head, and he just sat, glued to his seat in a panic.

He didn't participate in class, he spoke to nobody other than the teacher (he noticed the lack of an aid in this class), and when lunch time came around, he'd said all of three words: "no, thanks" to the offer of more paper for drawing and a whispered "fine" to the inquiry after his health. But while the class walked to lunch is a single file line, Dean hung back, tugging on the sleeve of the teacher.

"Where's Cas?" He asked, blinking up at the annoyed teacher.

"Who?" Was the only response. Dean shook his head and ran to catch up with the class.

He did make a friend that day, a girl with fiery hair like Anna's. She introduced herself as Charlie and dared him to call her Charles. He didn't.

She was nice enough, and Dean enjoyed her company, but she was no Cas. She was loud, but was content enough with filling the silence he contributed with meaningless talk of various nerdy things Dean had never heard of. But she'd seen Star Wars and Harry Potter, which his mom wouldn't let him watch yet, so that raised his opinion of her by some degrees.

By the end of lunch, she seemed to tire herself out, but she just smiled and took Dean's arm as they walked with the class back to the classroom. "I think we'll become good friends, you and I." And she was right.

* * *

At recess, Charlie ran off to meet some of her friends in other classes, which gave Dean a good idea.

He first looked around at the students milling around near the basketball court. No Cas.

Then he wandered over to the jungle gym and swing sets, narrowly avoiding the rapidly swinging children. No Cas.

Getting more desperate as the clock in his mind ticked the time away, he ran over to the fields where children kicked a ball around. No Cas.

In exasperation, he ran a hand through his hair. A young girl sitting nearby on the grass, coloring in a notebook similar to the ones Dean used, looked up. "Looking for someone?" She asked. He nodded. "You're best bet is to go to the top," she said, pointing to the tallest part of the jungle gym, which towered above even the swing set.

He didn't thank the girl, just walked determinedly toward the jungle gym, pushing past other children in his rush. He climbed the stairs up to the first landing, but no Cas. He climbed through a series of angled tunnels, reaching a second landing where children flew down slides. No Cas. As Dean climbed the last rungs of a ladder to the very top, where a fake telescope was situated, Dean discovered his fear of heights for the first time. 

He sat down at the top, waiting for the girl not much older than he to move so he could use the telescope. When she finally left, taking a long slide down to the bottom, Dean gulped dramatically. But he had to be strong for Cas, who he had yet to find. So he slowly got up, taking his place at the telescope, which he used to scope out the school yard. No Cas. No Cas. No C-

 _There!_ He swung the telescope back, finding Cas in the same corner of the yard they had frequented the year before.  _Of course!_ Dean mentally kicked himself for forgetting the most obvious place, and almost tripped in his haste to get down from the terrifying height. When he did reach the ground (by ladder, not by slide), he bent over to kiss the ground. Then he ran as fast as his small legs would carry him, reaching Cas in seconds.

Out of breath, Dean bent over at the hips, hands on his knees. When he finally stood up straight, Cas was looking at him funny, with the tilted head he only gave strange things that puzzled him, like things Dean said sometimes. But Dean hadn't said anything, so he was confused at Cas' silence.

"Hi," Dean whispered. Cas waved at him shyly. Dean couldn't figure out his behavior. But for someone so observant, he felt blind today. He blinked and realized that Cas was wearing a  _skirt._ "Dude, what's with the skirt?" Dean asked, curious.

It was apparently not the right thing to say, because Cas started to walk away, at a faster pace than usual. "Hey, wait up!" Dean shouted, before taking after Cas. It wasn't the first time Cas had stormed away from Dean, or even been mad at him, but usually Dean knew  _why_. After a moment, he realized he messed up. He reached Cas, touching his arm.

Cas pulled his arm away, denying Dean the right to hold it, which he only did when he was mad at Dean. "Hey, I didn't mean it. I'm just curious. It looks pretty comfy?" Dean tries, hoping he wasn't not making Cas any more mad.

This seemed to appease Cas somewhat, who turned to face Dean. "I like it," was all he said.

Dean got a better look at the skirt, which was blue and decorated with little embroidered bees. He was vaguely aware that boys didn't wear skirts and dresses, but in that moment, Dean didn't care. "It's cute!" Dean exclaimed, happy to have Cas' attention again. Cas smiled at him, then frowned.

"Teacher said boys can't wear skirts. Gabriel yelled at her. Luke tried to hit me at lunch." Luke was the resident schoolyard bully, more commonly known as Lucifer.

"I'll protect you, Cas!" Dean proclaimed, but at that moment, a sharp whistle echoed through the yard. Recess was over. "Wait, Cas, why aren't you in my class?" Dean needed answers.

"I'm in a new class. For kids like me," Cas explained, head down and already walking away.

"Wait, what do you mean like you? Cute, you mean?" Dean hurried after him, not flirting but genuinely meaning it like 7-year-olds mean compliments.

"'Special,' like me." Cas stopped walking and used air quotes. "Gabe said it's to help me in school, but I miss you Dean." Cas looked like he was about to cry.

"Hey, now, don't cry. You gotta be strong, Cas, be strong for  _me_ ," Dean consoled his best friend. "I'll still see you at recess, and maybe we'll have lunch at the same time!"

Almost all the students were grouped with their teachers, so it was time to go. Dean was sad to see a teacher's aid come and collect Cas and shoo Dean to his class group, but he promised to see Cas soon.

* * *

They saw each other at lunch and recess, sometimes hanging out with Charlie and her friends (and her girlfriend of the time), but often they would wander off by themselves, coloring in books Cas brought or reading novels Dean checked out of the library. But sometimes Cas didn't come out to recess or lunch at all, so Charlie would help him write long letters, which he would give Cas' teacher at the end of recess.

One cold Friday morning, Dean anxiously waited for Cas when Charlie came up to him.

"He's not coming out. I saw him inside, he looked awful. They put him in the time-out corner!" Charlie whispered the end of her sentence. Dean had been put in the time-out corner once, for saying a bad word in class. He didn't see why "bitch" was a bad word, especially when it made Charlie and Cas laugh everytime he said "son of a bitch!"

Charlie handed Dean a pack of crayons and they say down in the grass to craft a letter. 

 

_Dear Cas,_

_It's Dean and Charlie again. We miss you! We haven't seen you all week, are you okay?_

_We love you,_

_D & C_

 

In reality the letter wasn't all that long, but Charlie insisted on using the letters to practice her cursive, which lengthened the process significantly.

At the end of recess, Dean and Charlie brought the letter to the teacher, but at the last minute, Dean turned around and stormed up to the woman. "I want to see Cas! I haven't seen him all week and I miss him!" He proclaimed.

The teacher looked taken aback, but smiled and asked which class Dean was in. Dean mumbled the name of his teacher, who Cas' teacher waved over. A conversation played over his head, hushed words exchanged between the adults. Finally, both teachers sighed and agreed to let Dean see Cas. "But Cas has been having a hard week, so be gentle with him," Cas' teacher warned.

Dean followed Cas' class inside, excited to finally see Cas and give him the letter personally. But when he reached the door, he didn't recognize what he saw. 

Cas was in the corner marked "Time-Out" with a colorful poster board of rules in looping cursive, much better than Charlie's. The chair was purple and the small carpet underneath was a dark red and forest green pattern with dinosaurs in a forest. Cas was struggling in the chair while the teacher's aid sat next to him, trying to calm him down. When Cas saw Dean in the doorway, he tried to run to him, shouting, "Dean!"

"Cas!" Dean replied, running to Cas. When he reached Cas, he slowed, eyeing the aid suspiciously. "What's wrong?" He asked Cas.

When Cas said nothing, the aid sighed, addressing Dean: "He's had a rough couple of days."

"It looks like when Daddy and Mikey yell!" Cas screamed, causing the other students in the class to shrink back from where they watched nearby. The teacher collected them, bringing them away from Cas.

Dean took another look at the corner, with all the wrong colors, and asked the aid "May I talk to him in the hallway, please?" as politely as he could muster. Which was difficult, with his blood boiling in anger.

The aid seemed exasperated, but she gave in, taking Cas by the hand and leading him into the hallway.

The walls were an off white with colorful drawings done by the art classes pinned up by proud teachers. The floor was a happy yellow, faded with age and from the many steps of children, but it was enough to calm Cas down. "This looks like when Mommy sings," Cas muttered.

The aid looked confused, so Dean did his best to explain. "Cas doesn't like purple, red, or green. He likes yellow, blue and orange," he proudly recited. Cas parroted back "yellow, blue and orange." The aid was still confused, and crouched down to hear Dean better. "Give him his bee toy, I know he has it in his bag. It calms him down when his Daddy is yelling," Dean whispered conspiratorially into the aids ear.

The young woman darted inside the classroom to find the toy, leaving Cas and Dean alone in the doorway. Dean leaned over to give Cas a hug, which, after a moment's hesitation, Cas returned, clinging to Dean like he were a life raft on a sinking ship. Dean whispered sweet things in Cas' ear like his mother did whenever he was upset. "It's okay, buddy. It'll all be okay. We'll get you the toy and you'll be okay. I miss you, I love you, I wish I could see you..." Dean muttered, and heard Cas hiccup.

By the time the aid returned with the toy, Cas had calmed down significantly. He let go of Dean and grabbed the toy from the aid's hand, holding it close. Dean gave a look to the aid, like  _well, that was easy, wasn't it?_ but kept his mouth shut. He knew the way to his classroom, but the aid insisted on taking him, so he waited for Cas to return to class, sitting in the front row, still clutching his bee toy, which was as big as his head. He gave Cas a little wave, which Cas didn't return, but that was alright. Dean was just glad Cas was feeling better.

* * *

They started to hang out outside of school more often, really as often as Gabe and Mary would let them. For the most part, they were joined at the hip for another year, inseparable even when they were apart.

The next week, for example, Dean was over at Cas' house, since Mary was working late and Gabe had agreed to pick him and Sammy up. Sammy and Anna were playing happily in the living room, and Gabe was pacing in the kitchen while talking loudly on the phone. Dean heard bits of the conversation, but it didn't sound good.

When Gabe hung up, he wandered into the dining room to find Dean and Cas playing with a set of toy instruments. "What's this, then?" He asked, genuinely interested in a way no adult usually was in the boys' strange activities.

"I wanted to know what colors sound like, so we're making noises until Cas finds the right one," Dean explained. Gabe nodded slowly, hanging back to watch them work.

Cas hit the small, colorful xylophone with the hammer again, shouting "blue!" and giggling gleefully. Dean wrote down "zylafone" in blue crayon on a large piece of white construction paper. Above it he had written "angry" in red and "Anna toy" in green. It was all very scientific; Gabe was impressed.

Gabe had an idea brewing in his head as he watched Dean and Cas experiment with a drum (grey), an egg shaker (pink), and a triangle (light green). When the boys ran out of instruments, he approached Cas, picking him up. "Hey!" He shouted, but mostly from surprise. He hated surprises.

"I've got something I want you to try out!" Gabe explained as he carried Cas to the living room, Dean trailing behind. Hannah was just getting home from school, having taken the late bus home. "Hey Hannah, do you mind participating in an experiment?"

She looked at him dubiously, but he quickly explained. "Cas can see colors when he hears stuff, I wanna know what the piano sounds like!" She finally gave in, agreeing to one piece.

Sammy and Anna didn't understand what was going on but were always excited to hear Hannah play. Dean sat between Sam and Cas, who was situated in Gabe's lap. They all waited patiently as Hannah selected a piece. She finally stopped rustling through her books and loose sheet music when she selected a yellow and marked up paper. She set it on the stand, and started to [play](https://youtu.be/liTSRH4fix4?t=354).

Hannah played it lovingly, if a little mechanically. Gabe swayed to the music, his eyes closed, but Cas and Dean sat in awe, not wanting to miss a single second. Dean didn't care much for classical music, but he loved how Hannah created emotions with the simple melody. By the end, Cas was crying, but he wasn't sad. In fact, he was smiling, a grin spread on his face like none he had seen before. When Hannah turned to see everyone's reactions, Gabe asked Cas how he'd like it. 

"It sounds like Mommy," was all he said, which made Gabe smile. Hannah turned around and found a book of Chopin Nocturnes, continuing to play long after Dean and Sammy were picked up by their mother. All the while, Cas sat there, looking like he'd discovered God. And in a way he had found something much more precious. He'd found a connection to his mother.

* * *

As the year continued, Dean and Cas still passed notes and longer letters, sometimes even posting the longer ones in the mail over holidays; but Dean missed Cas and Cas missed Dean. So after one long year of Cas' special class, Dean knew he couldn't take another year apart from Cas. He outright refused.

On the last day of school, when Mary came to pick Dean up, he dragged her through the halls to find Cas' classroom, where Gabe was waiting with Cas. They all walked in together, and talked to the teacher; well, the adults did most of the talking, while the children did most of the puppy eyes. Dean heard scraps of the conversation taking place above their heads: of long words like "Asperger's" and "on the spectrum" and insistency on the part of the teacher, of Cas' need for special attention.

In the end it was a non-issue. Dean refused to be in a class without Cas next year. He went as far as to say he would drop out of school in protest, which had seemed to be an viable option at the time. The teacher concluded that Cas be placed in Dean's class along with a teacher's aid four days a week, spending Monday in the Special Ed classroom. 

They all went out for ice cream to celebrate, and Dean danced around the ice cream parlor with Cas, who wore his favorite little bee skirt.

* * *

In the box marked "Second Grade" Dean discovers a little picture album and a few frames photographs (the kind with popsicle sticks and glitter). Dean concludes his favorite to be the one in which Cas sports his bee skirt and Dean a big, tooth-filled grin. He holds it out for Cas, who laughs loudly and unabashedly at the photograph. It's small, so Dean tucks the copy into his wallet.

A moment later, the door to the roadhouse bangs open preceding the arrival of -

"What's up bitches?" Charlie shouts, looking around for Dean. Cas flinches at the noise, but gets up to give her a hug, picking her up clean off the floor and swinging her around.

"How's Dorothy doing?" Dean asks once they were all seated and Charlie ordered her usual milkshake.

They chat a bit, catching up. It hasn't been long since they'd last seen one another, but in their month apart, Charlie got engaged and accepted a job in the government. "I think they figure they ought to employ me if I'm going to keep hacking their systems," she says, only half joking. Dean laughs and Cas smiles smally. Cas likes Dorothy, always has, but is a little shy in her presence.

Then Charlie looks down at the mess of pictures and letters. "Oh, my god! Is this from, like, second grade?" She excitedly picks a random assortment up to look at, cooing at Cas' messy hair and Dean's dimpled cheeks. When she finds a letter she had penned, she presents it proudly, grinning madly. "It's a wonder you still have these, Dean!"

Cas grabs Dean's hand and stares down at the table, but he's smiling. Dean's glad to see his best friend so happy, but he's worried that if they continue down memory lane, they'll encounter memories that he's not keen on remembering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cas has Sound-to-Color Synesthesia, and I grabbed this paragraph from synesthesiatest.org:
> 
> When sound triggers the visualization of colored, generic shapes, sound-to-color synesthesia is at play. For certain people, the stimuli are limited, and only a few types of sounds will trigger a perception. However, there are cases wherein many different sounds trigger color visualizations. Usually, the perceived colors appear in generic shapes – squares, circles, etc.


	3. Third Grade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They say bad news comes in threes, so Dean waited a year for the other shoe to drop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for major character deaths, mention of suicide, and abusive behavior.
> 
> I'm sorry! I just have to torture my characters a little... :)

Dean wakes up, righting himself as he almost fall out of bed, a headache already blooming in the bright morning. Cas mumbles something in his sleep before rolling into Dean, effectively trapping him in bed.

It's times like these that Dean understands why people think they're dating. They're closer, both physically and emotionally, to each other than to anyone else, even their respective siblings. And that has partly to do with the shit they went through.

 _Damn, it's too early in the morning to be thinking these thoughts,_ Dean groans. He gets revenge on Cas for the week before by unceremoniously throwing a pillow at him. He quickly runs to take cover by the dresser, but he shouldn't have worried. Cas simply stretches his arms overhead, calmly opening his eyes and wishing Dean a "good morning."

Dean decides to spend his lazy Sunday outside washing his baby, which he admits he sort of worships, and Cas soon joins him with a lawn chair and the box of old letters and pictures. He has the box marked "third grade." It's a year Dean wishes he could forget, but Cas seems dead set on opening that can of worms. 

Cas actually manages to find a happy picture in the mess of crayon drawings and random feathers. Mary holding Sam, and John holding Dean, stand on one side of the photograph, while Gabriel holding Cas, Hannah holding Anna, and Michael holding Anna's new cat, stand on the other. All are smiling, as if they knew it would be the last time they would all be together.

* * *

Dean remembers the day his mother dropped him off at school and never came back.

He remembers his father picking him and Sammy up and dropping them off at Bobby's. At the time, Dean recognized Bobby as his father's friend, but soon enough, the man would become his stand-in-uncle. The situation was supposed to be temporary, but a week later, Dean's father had yet to return. Bobby told Dean and Sam that their father was looking for their mother, but that he might not find her. And sure enough, when their father did return, he simply said "she's with the angels now" and left once more. They saw him again at the funeral, and that was the first of many times Bobby argued with him. When their father bothered to come home, he was passed out on the couch with an awful stink about him.

Cas remembers the day his father left to get groceries and never came back.

Gabriel yelled a lot with Michael, but Hannah took him and Anna to Bobby's and they all got ice cream. At the time, Cas didn't realize the difference. His father was hardly ever home, but Hannah said it was different this time. "Is he with the angels like Dean's mom?" Anna asked around her ice cream. Hannah shook her head no, saying simply, "I don't know. I don't know."

"Why is everyone gone? Do they not love us?" Cas asked softly. Dean looked up from his ice cream, grabbing Cas' hand to comfort him.

"What? Oh honey, no. Father loves us so much. Dean's mother loved him, too." Hannah assured Cas.

"Then why did they leave? You love me, Hannah, are you going to leave?" Cas stared at the table, but squeezed Dean's hand.

"Cas, baby, I will never leave you." And she meant it at the time; she can't be blamed if she couldn't always keep her promises.

* * *

That school year was tough for the two families, but at least Dean and Cas were in the same class to keep an eye on each other. Cas was more prone to tantrums and fits than ever before, and Dean fell back into his muteness.

But at the very least they had each other.

About a month after the fire that killed Dean's mother, Bobby reluctantly realized the permanency of their situation. They couldn't go on like this, John passed out on his couch and Dean refusing to talk. Something had to change.

That Saturday, Cas and Anna were over for a playdate with Dean and Sam. Determined to help Dean, Bobby pulled Cas aside, trying to be inconspicuous.

"Sir, am I in trouble?" Cas asked, trembling. He was visibly terrified of the gruff man before him, even if he knew the man was Dean's new guardian.

Bobby kneeled down, knees popping, and smiled. "No, son, you're not. I just wanted to ask you about Dean."

"Is Dean in trouble?" Cas whispered.

"No, he ain't. It's just, he's going through a tough time, and I know for sure you're helping him. You're a good friend." Bobby sighed. "But I want to help him too. And I can't do that if he won't talk to me and tell me what he wants. I ain't a mind reader." Bobby laughed softly.

Cas didn't laugh, but his look betrayed his concentration. "Dean doesn't talk any more. But he writes. We write to each other. Just ask him to write for you," Cas explained matter-of-factly.

"Oh, just so easy?" Bobby raised his eyebrows, but he'd already lost Cas' attention.

That night, John didn't come home, but Ellen came over to help make dinner. At the time, Bobby was still pining after her, but it didn't feel like the time to make a move, not in the middle of everything. Still, he approached her about Dean. "I want to help the boy, but I don't feel like it's my place. Though John's doing a bang-up job of raising him lately."

"You're too hard on him, Bobby. He just lost his  _wife._ " Ellen sighed. "But I agree with what Cas said. You gotta work to communicate with him in a way he's able. Make him comfortable. He's lost his mother and his father all at once, he's too young to comprehend the loss. It's burying him."

That night, while Ellen watched the kids, Bobby ran out to the department store in town, buying two small whiteboards and an assortment of erasable markers.

When he returned, Cas and Anna were gone, having been picked up by Gabriel already. Sam was already asleep, but Dean was pouting in the living room; Ellen explained that Cas and Dean had wanted a sleepover but Gabriel had told them no.

"Well, this ought to cheer him up." Bobby called for Dean to come to the kitchen. "I got you some markers and these boards, so you can write whatever you like."

Dean looked at him blankly, then turned on his heel, running to the room he shared with Sammy. When Ellen came to tuck him in, she found him watching Sam like he might disappear in front of his eyes.

"It's okay, honey. It'll all be okay," Ellen reassured him, tucking him into bed.

The next day, Bobby woke to find Dean struggling with a pair of scissors and the material packaging. He quickly ran to help him, and together they dumped the set of markers out on the table.

Dean stared at Bobby, as if he were deep in thought, before walking away through the kitchen to the fridge. He poured himself some juice and made a sippy cup for Sam, leaving the room without acknowledging Bobby.

Later in the day, Bobby found one of the boards on the table, a child's scrawl spelling out in bright blue marker:

 

_thanks_

 

Bobby smiled to himself. It was progress, and slow as it might be, he felt hope for the first time that month.

* * *

That year progressed slower than the year before, and yet it seemed to pass quickly. Dean remembers little of school or the soccer team he joined. He did remember Bobby claiming the exercise would be good for him, but whether it did Dean can't recall. Gabe and Cas would always come to his games, even if the loud crowds bothered Cas. His strength in overcoming his fears to help Dean warmed Bobby's heart, and he'd always let Cas sleep over those nights.

One such night, Bobby watched as Dean fell in love with Cas. His team had lost the game, but Dean wasn't so much worried about points as he was about his father's attendance. His father had never made it to a single one his games nor picked him up from a single practice. Bobby always picked him up with a smile on his face and told Dean that he was sorry, but that didn't change the fact that Dean's father wasn't there.

But Cas always was. Always cheered him on, and afterward, regardless of the score, they'd get pizza to go from Tony's. Sitting in the living room watching cartoons and munching on pizza with Cas, Dean almost felt normal. 

It was the end of the fall season, and Dean had just played his team's last game. It had been a few months since his mother had died and Cas' father had disappeared, and it was all growing fuzzy in his head. But as they watched cartoons, Dean started to cry.

"What's wrong Dean?" Cas shouted when he saw the silent tears streaking down his friend's face.

Dean didn't reply, but accepted the hug Cas offered. Bobby lurked in the doorway, but didn't approach. He saw on the TV a scene with a young boy and his mother, buying ice cream and laughing.

Cas suddenly stood up, leaving Dean where he sat. He ran out of the room and into the kitchen, but couldn't reach his backpack from where it hung on a hook near the door. Bobby gave him a small smile, walking over to retrieve the bag for Cas. He got a wide eyed look in return, the same scared look he always got from the boy. Cas bolted out of the room, almost tripping onto Dean in his haste. As Bobby returned to his post in the doorway, Cas opened his bag and unceremoniously dumped his belongings out. 

Bobby had seen the boy's room, which was cleaner than a museum exhibit, but you wouldn't be able to tell that from the state of Cas' backpack. From the papers, rocks, pinecones, and other random articles that fell in the heap on the floor, Cas carefully extracted a single, black feather.

He held it in his hands like the most valuable treasure he owned, and presented it to Dean, whose tears had evolved into the occasional hiccup. "Here!" Cas exclaimed, thrusting the feather in Dean's direction.

Dean didn't look so sure of the present, but took it, turning it this way and that, watching as the single light from the corner lamp glinted off the shiny edges. The black feather looked like that from an angel, not from any bird. Bobby wondered where the boy had gotten it, though he imagined it came from the same kind of places as the other articles that populated the boy's bag.

Ellen snuck up behind him to look at the scene, having let herself in through the kitchen door. "Black feathers mean 'you're not alone'," she said. "I gave it to him last week and told him that angels are watching over him. I thought it would comfort him. I see he's hoping it will comfort Dean." She smiled, and Bobby returned it.

In the living room, Dean gave Cas a funny smile and proclaimed. "I love it! And I love you, Cas," which were more words than he'd spoken in Bobby's presence in months, though he assumed that Dean didn't notice him or Ellen watching. 

Cas grinned, hugging him again. Bobby knew the boys would be alright as long as they had each other.

* * *

Christmas was a hard time for everyone, but John managed to sober up long enough to join the Winchesters, Novaks, and Bobby and Ellen for a christmas lunch. Presents were exchanged, and Cas received a multitude of bee-related products, which pleased him beyond words. Dean managed to make conversation with a few of the crowd that had gathered, but soon enough he and Cas were running off to Cas' room alone. Bobby let them go, but John took the opportunity to corner him in the kitchen alone.

"So, Bobby," John began. "I can't thank you enough for what you've done for my boys these past months. But... I don't like what you've done with Dean. I don't like the company he's keeping." John looked around the kitchen, checking for anyone who might overhear.

"How can you say that, with his entire family in the next room," Bobby fought to keep his voice down. "At least Cas is  _there_ for Dean, which is more than you're doing for him at the moment. Mary's loss hit us all, John, not only you, and you need to be there for your sons!" Bobby glared at the man in front of him, who looked sad and dejected.

"I know. I know. I just... I can't.."

"I can't, my ass. John, I lost my wife years ago, and her loss still hits me hard, every day. That pain isn't going to go away. But neither are Dean and Sam. They've lost their mother, don't make them lose their father, too." Finished, Bobby turned away, pouring himself his first helping of whiskey of the day.

"Okay. Okay," John mumbled, mostly to himself. At that moment, Dean ran into the room, stopping when he saw the two men glaring at each other. Dean was holding his whiteboard, which was more of a crutch than a necessity at this point. He scribbled  _juice please_ on it, but Bobby took the board away from him, telling Dean, "Use your words, young man, and ask your father for some juice."

Dean looked scared, which saddened Bobby. He'd been afraid of his own father and his wrath, and he didn't want that for Dean. But he quietly said, "juice, please," and John opened the door to the fridge.

"Which kind?" The Novak's had a few juices in their fridge.

Dean pointed to two kinds, making it evident that he was sent by Cas for a juice run. John poured the juices and handed the two cups to Dean, who mumbled "thanks" before running off.

"It's a start, John," Bobby said, as John leaned back against the counter and closed his eyes.

* * *

And it was good, for a month or so. The rest of December and all of January showed a new John, who took his sons ice skating and to get hot cocoa; who attempted conversation with Cas, who he reluctantly accepted as Dean's best friend; and when school started up again, he picked his sons up from school and helped them with their homework. He started working in Bobby's shop again, and stayed sober for most of the month.

And then something happened.

Bobby recognized the shift in John's behavior immediately. He'd seen it the first time, right after Mary died. He'd seen it in Ellen after her husband died. And he recognized it from his own experience, after his wife had died, and inexplicably three years after.

John went off the deep end. 

He hung out at bars late every night, stopped coming into work, even yelled at Dean a few times. After a week of this erratic behavior, Bobby tried to talk to him. But when he came upstairs after dinner, which John had missed, to confront him, he saw John in Sam and Dean's bedroom. Hitting Dean.

Bobby ran into the room, putting himself in between Dean and his father. He yelled as calmly as he could for Dean to take Sammy downstairs to see Ellen. And then he turned to John.

"I have stood by long enough, watching you ruin your life and those of your sons. I will not let grief overcome you, John. It may eat away at you, every day, but-"

"Yeah, yeah, I know, don't let it control me, whatever gibberish they say at those AA meetings. I hardly listened. I can't do this, Bobby. I can't."

"Then let me. Go get help, leave the boys with me, just - God, don't punish them for your grief."

The fight didn't die in John's eyes this time, instead, a flare of anger rose in him, and he stormed out of the room. He pounded down the stairs, practically running through the kitchen past his terrified kids, and slammed the kitchen door behind him. Bobby felt bad for the sigh of relief that exhaled out of him at the sound of John's car leaving the drive and skidding down the roads.

John's last words were to his lawyer. He'd dialed the man up, angrily informing him that Bobby was now in charge of his boys, that he could have custody "or whatever." He refused to tell the poor man where he was going or what his plans were, but at the very least, he insisted on Bobby and Ellen taking care of his kids.

It held up in court, which was important, since John wasn't there to sign papers.

Bobby honestly couldn't tell if was suicide, or if he'd run off the slippery bridge into the icy river on accident. John had been drinking: they found the flask in his pocket. Either way, John was dead before medics arrived, and Dean and Sam became his responsibility.

The funeral was sad, as Mary's had been, but Dean did not cry. He stood strong for his brother, who hardly understood that he'd lost both his parents within months. Cas was there too, on his other side, leaning against Dean. He didn't hold back his tears, but Bobby could tell he didn't cry for John Winchester: he cried for Dean. For all the death and suffering that surrounded them that year.

After the burial, Gabriel gave Cas a brown paper parcel, which he tore open to find his father's trenchcoat. Cas smiled weakly, and pulled on the coat. It dragged in the dirt behind him as he walked, hand in hand with Dean, away from the graveyard. Dean first laugh that day was at Cas, tripping on his coat, holding it up like a princess would a ball gown. 

And Bobby knew they would be alright.

* * *

"Dean, I think that side is plenty clean."

Roused from his stupor, Dean looks up to find Cas still sitting in the lawn chair, with a book this time instead of the box of photos. Dean smiles weakly at Cas, but does a piss-poor job of hiding his emotions. Cas raises from his seat, walking over to hug Dean. Today, he's wearing his father's worn out trench coat even though the August sun is already shining down, heating up the driveway.

"Thanks, baby," Dean says before thinking. Cas just gives him a small smile and a peculiar look, like he wants to say something more, but decides against it. Dean returns the smile, and returns to the car, which is, like Cas said, plenty clean. He dumps the bucket of suds on the back window, washing it off with hose. He accidentally sprays Cas with the hose, and Cas shrieks loudly.

This leads to a fight for the hose, and soon both Cas and Dean are dripping on the drive, bending over from laughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did some research on muteness in children for this chapter. I grabbed this paragraph from Wikipedia.
> 
> Selective mutism is an anxiety disorder very common among young children, characterized by the inability to speak in certain situations. It should not to be confused with someone who is mute and cannot communicate due to physical disabilities. Selectively mute children are able to communicate in situations in which they feel comfortable. About 90% of children with this disorder have also been diagnosed with social anxiety. It is very common for symptoms to occur before the age of five and do not have a set time period. Not all children express the same symptoms.
> 
> I learned about the meanings of black feathers from wishingmoon.com/what-do-black-feathers-mean/.


	4. Fourth Grade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie remembers the fourth grade vividly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of this chapter is all Charlie/Dorothy (do they have a ship name I don't know about?), but if that's not your cup of tea, you can skip to the first page break. I think they are adorable, but that's just me inserting all my ships into one fic :D

Charlie is excited. She's always excited, but today is a great day in particular. She bolts out of bed, trying her best to subdue her joy enough to not wake up the girl lying in bed beside her.

She leans in the doorway to the bathroom, admiring her girlfriend as she brushes her teeth. She rinses her brush, leaving the water running as she quietly opens the medicine cabinet, grabbing the small box from the top shelf. She glances back, checking that Dorothy is still sound asleep, before dumping a smaller, black velvet box into her hand. She opens it, admiring the ring she purchased the week before.

Today she’s going to propose to Dorothy.

Her best friend and longtime girlfriend will soon be her fiancé, then her _wife._ How crazy is that?

Charlie sighs. It’s not that she’s worried Dorothy will say no. On the contrary, they’ve talked about marriage quite a bit lately, especially since it was only legalized recently. The unspoken plan was to wait until they graduate, but Charlie can’t wait. She has her own plan.

As she makes her girlfriend breakfast, she thinks of the different ways she could have proposed. Dorothy hates big public displays, and Charlie wanted to do something romantic. They’ve been together as long as they have because they believe in compromise. So, she'll do something she knows Dorothy will love.

Which just happens to be lemon blueberry pancakes. The girl is crazy about them.

She got the recipe from Cas, who made the mistake of introducing them to Dorothy last year. Ever since, Dorothy’s been buying blueberries at the store as a not so subtle hint.

And Charlie’s more than happy to oblige her. Every time she sets the pancakes down in front of her girlfriend, she gets a bright happy face that lights up the room. Charlie loves that face more than she loves Dorothy’s motorcycle. Which is to say, a lot.

Charlie’s humming as she flips the pancakes on the griddle when she feels two strong arms softly snake around her, followed by a kiss on her ear. Charlie turns in Dorothy’s embrace to chastise her girlfriend. “Babe, go back to bed! I can’t make you breakfast in bed if you’re not _in_ bed!”

Dorothy just laughs, dramatically smelling the air with her eyes closed, as if she were a bloodhound seeking out the scent of treats. “Is that – “

“Pancakes, yes. Now go back to bed, I almost have the tray ready.” Charlie pushes Dorothy away, tickling her abdomen when she doesn’t comply.

“Alright, alright, I’m going!” Dorothy laughs and heads back to their bedroom. Well, Charlie’s bedroom. They’re in Charlie’s childhood home for the summer, but as soon as the semester starts, they’ll be in their new apartment together. Charlie can’t wait.

As she stacks the pancakes on two plates (hey, Charlie’s got to eat, too!), her mother stumbles into the kitchen.

Charlie’s mother loves having her daughter back from school. She doesn’t even mind her girlfriend sleeping in her bed, especially when she knows of Charlie’s plans to propose. She eyes the black box as Charlie pulls it from the deep pockets of her sleep pants and places it on the tray, hidden from view behind the syrup.

“Baby, don’t tell me this is how you plan going to propose!” She stage-whispers, and Charlie slaps a hand over her mother’s mouth.

“Mom! She’ll hear you!”

“Oh, honey, I think she already knows.” Charlie groans as her mom gives her an outrageous wink and moves to the other side of the small kitchen to pour her coffee.

With a final sigh, Charlie gives her mom a hug, grabbing the tray and walking quickly back to her room, and to her hungry girlfriend.

Dorothy does her best to act surprised, but she’s a terrible actress. She finally admits that she had found the box; “in the medicine cabinet, Charlie, really? You keep your computer secure with a million difficult passwords, but you can’t invest in a safe, or a sock drawer?”

Dorothy admires the ring, and Charlie slips it on her finger reverently.

It feels right, Charlie thinks. And she can’t wait to wear a matching ring on her own finger.

* * *

Charlie remembers the 4th grade fondly. It was a good year. One year without shit going down, without deaths or family problems. Charlie remembers it well, because it was the year she met Dorothy. She remembers falling for the girl the moment she met her, but thought she was out of her league. Even if it would take another 5 years for her to get the guts to ask her out, Charlie and Dorothy became fast friends. Almost as good friends as Dean and Cas.

At recess the first week of school, Charlie confided in Dean about her crush on the new girl in class, hoping for a similar response. Maybe " _oh, I have a crush, too, you’ll never guess who"_ or " _you think you have problems, try being in love with your best friend."_ But not dice.

She cornered Cas and told him the same thing, but he just wished her luck, and introduced her to the love of his life for the moment – an inch worm he’d named Inias.

It was like watching a very long romantic comedy take place right in front of her eyes. It was obvious to Charlie, even as a 9-year-old.

But of course, no romcom is without an obstacle keeping the pair apart. Dean and Cas, or Deancas, as Charlie called them behind their back, had Michael. And Dean’s depression. And being in separate classes again, despite their complaints.

Okay, so Deancas had quite a few obstacles to overcome. But it wasn’t like they hadn’t gone through worse and come out relatively unscathed.

* * *

Charlie noticed things. That’s what attracted her to Dean, initially. He was quiet and observant, like she was. Cas was often in his own world, oblivious to those around him, which got him into trouble. But Dean and Charlie would climb to the top of the jungle gym during recess and people watch. She’d seen someone do it on a TV show, and she liked to judge people, so it worked out. Cas never joined them, and it was only time she had with Dean alone. He and Cas were that inseparable.

One such day, Dean brought a pad of paper and some crayons up with him.

“Whatcha doing, Dean?” Charlie asked. He’d never done this before, so it caught her attention. It was beginning to get cold, and Dean was layered in a flannel and jacket. Charlie was wearing matching flannel, but had forgone a jacket. She was regretting it.

To capture some of his warmth, Charlie sat down next to Dean. After Dean confided in her about his fear of heights, Charlie challenged him to overcome that fear by climbing the jungle gym every day. It had taken nearly a month, but now Dean could stand up and look out the telescope without running away in terror.

“I wanna draw a picture for Cas,” was Dean’s reply.

Charlie watched him draw, using the colors she’s long ago learned that Cas’ especially liked. It was moments like these that Charlie cited when she argued with Dorothy about the legitimacy of Deancas.

“Is it his birthday or something?”

“Nope.”

Charlie scooted closer to look over his shoulder as he drew. He didn’t scoot away, but he didn’t lean into Charlie either. He knew that Charlie only liked girls, so he’d never even tried. Also, he was 10.

Almost 10 minutes later, Dean signed his name at the bottom of the page. It was a simple drawing, with cotton ball clouds and stick figure people, but Charlie recognized Dean, Cas, Dorothy, and herself. Dorothy had taken to wearing her father’s old pilot’s helmet at school, despite objections by the teachers.

“Are you going to give that to Cas?”

Dean shook his head. “No.”

“Why not?”

Dean didn’t answer, instead flipping the page of the notebook, and started to write.

 

_Dear Cas,_

_Charlie is annoying me today. Sometimes I don’t know why I put up with her._

“Hey!”

Dean finally smiled, the first time that day, and turned his back to Charlie. He made a motion, like he was scratching out the words, and started anew. Whenever Charlie tried to look over his shoulder, Dean would turn his head this way and that to block her.

When he finished, he showed her the letter he’d written.

 

_Dear Cas,_

~~_Charlie is annoying me today. Sometimes I don’t know why I put up with her._ ~~

_Today I asked you what time it was and you responded with “The bees are going extinct.” You sure do like those bugs, don’t you?_

_I packed Sammy’s lunch today for the first time. I hope he likes ham and peanut butter. Bobby was wearing his grown up suit again, the one he wears when he goes to tell people that he is our “legal guardian.” Some people want to take us away from him, but Bobby won’t let that happen. He’s really trying, but he’s not Dad and he’s not Mom._

_I miss Mom, but I’m mostly sad that Sam will grow up without her. I have so many more years of memories of her than he ever will._

 

 

Charlie didn’t get the chance to read the rest of the letter, which appeared to be a description of his day, before Dean abruptly turned the page and started attacking the page with a yellow crayon. He followed with an equally forceful rage of black, and soon the page was covered in little bees. Charlie didn’t comment about their anatomical correctness, but she smiled.

“Are you going to give Cas this one?”

“No.”

Dean kept drawing.

It was going to be a long year.

* * *

After that, Dean brought the notebook with him everywhere. Some days he spent the half hour on one drawing or letter, and on others, he worked on page after page. He refused to open it in Cas' presence, and since they were together most of the time, after a month he'd hardly filled up a quarter of the notebook.

Charlie noticed things.

She noticed that Dean was sad. All the time.

Not wanting to be intrusive or out of line, but also having the filter of a child, one day she blurted out, “Why are you sad? Did I do something? Did Cas do something?”

Dean looked up from his notebook, where he was intensely concentrating on making a series of perfect circles, to give Charlie a look of surprise. And confusion. And… sadness. But just as fast, he seemed to flip a switch, turning on his prize-winning smile. “I’m not sad. I’m… Bobby says I’m grieving. For my Mom and Dad.”

“But they died like last year! How long are you gonna be sad for?” Charlie was concerned, and it showed on her face.

Dean's smile waned, but didn't fully disappear. He reached over to comfort Charlie, bringing her in for a hug. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” he repeated.

Charlie pulled back. “Hey, wait a minute, I’m supposed to be comforting _you_ , not the other way around!” She gave Dean a pointed look.

Dean looked down sheepishly, like he’d been caught with his hand in the candy jar. “I don’t know, Charles. Bobby said it’s okay to be sad for a while.”

Doing her best not to get upset at “Charles,” Charlie reached over and patted Dean’s knee. “Well, you take all the time you need, Dean. I’m here for you.”

“Thanks, Charles.”

And if Charlie lightly punched him on the arm for that, she couldn’t be blamed. It seemed to bring Dean back to his normal self, and he smiled for the rest of the day, shouting “hello, Charles!” whenever he saw her.

* * *

Charlie didn’t spend all her time with Dean and Dorothy. She spent quite a bit of time with Cas.

He was weird, that was for sure. But the good kind of weird. She introduced him to comic books, the rarer ones that didn’t get made into TV shows or movies, and he showed her edible plants and fun bugs. As Dean said once, “he’s a weird, dorky little guy.” But he said it lovingly, since Dean was a bit of a nerd too.

Cas liked Charlie. He agreed with Dean that she talked enough for two people, and never expected a response. Most people would annoy Cas after talking at him for half an hour, but Cas never grew tired of her company. On the contrary, after Dean, Charlie was his favorite person. Besides Gabe, of course. But family didn’t count.

Some days Dean didn’t come to school. During a cold snowy January, he didn’t come to school for a week. When he returned he claimed to have been sick, but when she caught Cas alone, he informed her that Dean was perfectly well, but Sam had been sick. Bobby couldn’t take the whole week off to take care of him, since there were so many wrecks in his repair shop, and Dean had offered to stay home.

Well, more like planted himself on Sam’s bed, and refused to go to school.

It puzzled Charlie, as Dean’s actions often did, but she thought it was sweet of him to do. With the loss of his parents, he was standing in as a mothering figure for his brother. It was sort of noble.

Whenever Dean disappeared for days at a time, she hung out with Cas, keeping him company. When the weather grew warm enough to go outside for recess without freezing their butts off, they wandered around the playground area. They never participated in the games of kickball or played on the jungle gym, but sometimes the swings would be empty, and Charlie would help Cas into the seats. The older kids had kicked at the dirt under the swings so much, it was impossible for Cas, with his short legs, to reach the seat. Charlie had to jump up by herself.

They would talk about anything and everything. That is to say, Charlie would talk and Cas would listen. He was a great listener. Different from Dean; he gave better reactions. Sometimes he would make a noise, like a gasp or huff, as if the noise escaped him unwittingly. Charlie always laughed, and Cas would laugh too. She never felt stupid if she told Cas about the minutiae of her day, or the stupid things she’d seen other people do, or the entire plot and her analysis about some TV show or comic book she was newly obsessed with.

Once Cas started coming over to her house, they’d sneak Star Trek and Star Wars and Indiana Jones from her mom’s collection, binge watching them. They never spoke of Dean’s absence, but Charlie felt the absence like the presence of another person in the room.

The one thing she didn’t talk to Cas about was her Deancas obsession. She didn’t know the term “ship” at the time, but she still felt that was something to keep to herself.

* * *

Michael came to pick up Cas one day. Charlie was only out of class to get a drink of water, but she was near Cas’ classroom, so she walked over to see if she could say hi. She’d done it before, but this time was different.

When she reached the room, she heard yelling and screaming. A high pitched, young voice, and a louder, deeper voice. The deep voice made her shrink, made her think of loud, angry men like Dean’s father. She didn’t remember her own father, and she didn’t interact with adult men much outside of her male teachers.

She pressed herself against the wall and watched as Michael dragged Cas into the hallway by his arm, the other hand holding Cas’ small backpack and lunch box, crumpled up in his larger hand. Cas wasn’t screaming anymore, and neither was Michael, but as the older man led Cas down the hall toward the front of the school, Charlie could swear she heard him whimper.

Later that week, Cas explained away the black eye and cut lip with a shrug. He tried to walk away, leaning down to pick a daisy and placing it behind his ear. He picked another and braided in into Charlie’s hair, almost like a plea to drop the subject.

Charlie wasn’t buying it, but Cas wasn’t budging either. To change the subject, he accidently revealed that he was going to be moving.

“Gabe doesn’t want me near Michael. He got a job an hour away, and an apartment. He’s taking me and Anna there.”

“But what about Dean? What about me?” Charlie could probably handle not seeing Cas every day, but could Dean?

“You can’t tell Dean!” Cas yelled, gaining the attention of a nearby teacher on the playground. He lowered his voice, whispering, “he can’t know any of this. He has enough on his plate.”

Charlie didn’t exactly know what Cas meant, but Cas never raised his voice in her presence, so it had to be important. She swore, reciting "Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye,” which made Cas look at her funny. She laughed it away, distracting Cas with a strategic tickle to the belly.

And around his black eye and bruised lip, Cas’ smile lit up his whole face. Charlie only wished Dean was there to see it.

* * *

The day Cas fell in love with Dean, was the day that he left him.

Charlie saw him at recess, but Dean hadn't bothered, scribbling frantically in that notebook of his, insisting he'd see Cas later. Charlie left him to it, and wandered over to where Cas was, at his usual spot near the fence. He was picking honeysuckle.

He offered her one, and when she took it, he whispered, "I don't want to leave."

It was a surprising admission, but not his last one of the day. 

"We'll miss you Cas, but you'll be okay." Charlie resisted the urge to touch Cas to comfort him. He'd been especially negative about touch since... since Michael hit him.

"I'll miss you, but not as much as I'll miss Dean. I already miss Dean. I don't know how much more I can miss him. It's too much, it's too much, it's too much," Cas repeated over and over. He'd been doing that a lot lately, too.

Charlie looked over at Dean, where he was still madly scribbling in his book at one of the picnic tables. "Why Dean in particular?" Charlie edged on, hoping for something, anything...

She was not expecting Cas to cry out, "I love him, I love him, I love him, and I'm leaving. I love him and I'm leaving." Again, he repeated the phrase over and over, slipping down to the ground, rocking back and forth, hitting the fence with every rock.

Charlie felt a little unqualified to take care of her friend, but she did her best. She sat down next to him, petting his back. Cas was so far gone that he didn't seem to register the touch. Gabe came to get him at the end of recess, and Charlie watched him leave.

As the classes filed back into the school, Dean ran from his table, notebook in hand. He appeared to look for Cas, but he and Gabe had already gone inside. Charlie wanted to tell Dean, she did, but then he was gone, and she was back inside.

* * *

Since it was the last day of school, Dean insisted that they continue the tradition of going to the ice cream shop. He didn’t hear Bobby attempt to tell him something “real important,” instead, dragging the man down the hallways to where Cas’ classroom was.

Most of the kids were still there, having not yet been dismissed for their buses or the pick up lane. Dean searched the room for Cas, even running to the corner with the cubbies, looking around.

“Where’s Cas?”

The teacher looked apologetically at Bobby, who gestured for Dean to come into the hall. He followed, then looked up at Bobby with his hands on his hips. “Where is he?” Dean insisted.

“He… Gabe took him earlier today. For an early vacation.” Bobby lied.

“Bullshit!” Dean shouted, not caring about the reprimand that was sure to follow. “Where is he?” Dean shouted again.

“Dean, he left. They moved. Gabe got a job about an hour away and took Cas with him. It was either that, or go with Michael. Hannah’s in college now, and Anna’s going with Cas and Gabe. Did he not tell you any of this?”

Dean looked stunned, shaking his head over and over. He started to cry, silent tears running down his face. He was carrying a notebook, worn and the cover a little torn, in his arms, and he clutched it closely. “I… this is for him,” he said in way of explanation.

Most of the kids had left by then, but when Dean looked up he saw Charlie, red hair bouncing as she ran down the hall, her mother a little ways behind. The two approached, and while their parents spoke above them, Charlie gave Dean a hug. He looked like he needed it.

“Is that for Cas after all?” She asked.

Dean nodded.

“Where is he?”

“Gone,” was his response.

“Well, how about you mail it to him?” She suggested. Dean perked up at that.

* * *

It was a disappointing ending for the romcom she'd been watching, but Charlie was more sad for Dean. He'd lost so much already, and now he was losing his best friend. Well, they were still friends, they were just separated by time and space.  _Stupid time and space_ , Charlie thought as she nibbled at her ice cream cone. Dean sat down next to her, but he didn't have any ice cream. He was too busy showing her the pages of the notebook he'd made.

It was full to bursting, some pages thicker with the addition of leaves and dried flowers, and the colorful crayon drawings had smudged over time. But mostly, it was full of letters. Letters to Cas, a couple letters to inanimate objects and one to "The Bees," and one particularly colorful one simply addressed to "The Universe."

In the front Dean had written his address. _Dean Winchester, 3002 Cherry Street, Lawrence, Kansas, United States, Earth, Milky Way Galaxy, The Known Universe._ As if the book may find itself on the moon or in a parallel universe.

Dean had essays like that, talking about alternate universes. He imagined his mother alive, his father to not have died. But he never imagined Cas to be any different.

When Bobby came over with Sam, having cleaned his messy face in the bathroom, Dean shut the book quickly. Charlie was sad to not see any more, but Dean insisted.

On the way home, they stopped by the post office, and sent the packaged to _Castiel Novak, 6004 West Avenue, Maple Hill, Kansas 66507, United States, Earth, Milky Way Galaxy, The Known Universe._

* * *

Charlie is buzzing by the time she and Dorothy arrive at the Winchester home. They are late to the party, which is a cross between a barbeque and farewell party. Sam's first year of college is coming up, and so is the senior year of many of them. The adults will be taking the opportunity to reminisce about the better days when the children were smaller and cuter, but Charlie is still excited. Well, she's excited to show off her  _fiance._

Dorothy laughs when Charlie hops off her bike before she's fully stopped. She takes a long time to turn off her bike and take off her helmet, just to make her wait a little longer. It's obvious she's going a bit crazy. "Hang in there girl. We don't need you shouting it from the rooftop."

Charlie considers it for a moment before grinning brightly and dragging Dorothy up to the house by the hand. They walk beside the house and into the backyard, where they find the party in full swing. Charlie knows most of the people in attendance, but Dorothy hasn't met all of them, so Charlie points them all out as they wander around to look for Dean and Cas. They want to tell them first.

"So that's Bobby and Ellen, we went to their wedding last month, and that's Rufus, don't get on his bad side. Benny and Meg you've met once I think. Oh, and there's Dean, he's totally in love with Cas, who's the babe over by the snack table." 

"Hey, now, I think you're exaggerating a little bit."

"Not at all! You know I've been shipping them for  _years_ now."

Charlie spots Dean not paying attention at the grill, and she can practically see Dean longing for Cas, and Cas longing for Dean. She thinks it’s ridiculous. The boys have known each other longer than she’s known Dorothy, and she’s _marrying_ her. Charlie turns to her fiancé, loudly whispering, “wanna bet how long it takes those morons to follow in our footsteps?” Dorothy laughs and rolls her eyes, but Charlie basks in it. Damn, she loves her girl.

And damn, do Dean and Cas love each other.

A moment later, Bobby walks over, hugging them both. Charlie’s always loved Bobby. She figures he's as good as anyone to tell first.

But he beats her to the punch. "Is that a ring I see on your finger young lady?"

Dorothy practically jumps up and down nodding her head, babbling about wedding plans when Ellen wanders over. Charlie could get used to this.

Soon, they've made their way through the whole party excluding Dean and Cas. Finally, Dean gives up the grill to Benny, and collects Cas to come talk to Charlie and Dorothy. "So what's this I've heard about a little ring on Dorothy's finger?" Dean teases. Damn, he's already heard. Benny probably told him.

Cas takes Dorothy's hand, inspecting the ring and giving it little frowns. When he lets go, he does so with a small smile. "It's beautiful."

"Are you jealous?" Dorothy teases. Charlie gives her a glare and an elbow in her side, and Dean attempts not to choke on his beer. He knows what she means. How could he not?

Luckily Cas just replies with, "I don't like rings very much. They constrict my fingers too much."

Dean moves them onto other topics, like the impending doom of their last year of college, but Charlie notices the shadow of disappointment on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you recognize the lemon blueberry pancakes in bed scene, I stole it from Glee. Blatantly stole it. But I love Klaine too much to not slip it in ;)


	5. Fifth Grade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to hell! How would you like to spend eternity?
> 
> Or, Cas and Dean are overdramatic little bastards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for no updates in like... 2 months!!! I had this chapter half finished, but I'm still not sure if I'll finish this au.

Dean knows he likes Cas. That’s old news. He knows they’re closer than friends should be. That’s old news too. But what’s new is the  _longing_ he’s feeling. Okay, maybe it isn’t new either. Maybe it’s always been there, deep down. But Dean’s gotten pretty good at ignoring incessant emotions and troubling feelings. He can do it. Just… not today. Today he’s tired.

They’ve moved into their new apartment, and their living room is cluttered with boxes. He helped Sam move into his dorm last week, and Bobby into Ellen’s house the week before. He’s tired of carrying boxes.

But he’s done. Finally.

“Let’s not do that for another year, okay, Cas?” Dean asks the room. He doesn’t know where Cas has wandered off to this time. He disappeared halfway through taking in their boxes, but he swears he saw him sneak around back.

It’s a small house, not quite as near their college as Dean would like, but it was the only thing in their price range, since he hates the ideas of rowdy roommates. And he’s tired of dorms and apartments. He wanted a house. And that’s what he got.

Dean sighs and grabs a beer from the fridge, the only thing in there at the moment. It’s getting late and he wants pizza, so he opens the patio door to ask Cas if he wants anything.

And finds… he’s not sure what he finds. Cas’ back is to him, and he’s crouched on the ground. He appears to be digging.

Trying his best not to startle him, Dean walks around to stand in front of Cas. He was planting something, the plastic container thrown to the side, and Cas is patting the dirt around the little green stick.

“Whatcha got there, Cas?”

“It’s rosemary. It’s good for the bees. I already asked our renter, and she said I could plant it.” Cas always did his homework on this kind of thing. Dean’s proud (and kind of surprised) that Cas asked their renter without him. “I emailed her,” Cas says in way of explanation. “I sent her some articles.”

“I’m sure you did. It looks great. How about some dinner?” Dean’s stomach growls comically, and Cas laughs, loud and abrasive.

And Dean falls that little bit more in love with him.

* * *

Bobby wasn’t made to be a parent. Well, he was an excellent guardian, but suddenly finding himself a single parent wasn’t how he imagined it. He remembered his own father with little joy, and vowed to do better, but he couldn’t help but worry.

Dean saw that worry on Bobby’s face every day. It was in the crease of the lines on his face as he watched Dean and Sam when he thought they hadn't noticed him lurking. It was in the way he never raised his voice, keeping his voice low and soft in their presence. It was in the way that he refused to bring Dean to the shop with him, and would stay home if Dean or Sam were sick.

It was Dean’s fault, really. He stayed home too often the previous year, to take care of Sammy, or when he feigned sickness himself. But Bobby caught on, did his best to understand what Dean was going through, how he was acting out.

Did his very best to take care of him.

But there wasn’t much he could do. Dean went to therapy for a few weeks that summer, but mostly he just sat in the too big chair and stared at the therapist for an hour. What little he said was about Cas, how he missed Cas, how it wasn’t fair that Cas… Bobby and the therapist exchanged whispered words like _anxiety,_ _depression_ , and _grief._ But the therapist saw nothing wrong with Dean. In fact, he was speaking more, and she wasn’t worried about him.

Bobby eventually gave up, but he impressed upon Dean the importance of open communication. “I want you to make your mother and father proud, live like they’d want you to. But I also want you to take care of yourself, Dean. Promise me you’ll tell me if and when you need help.”

Dean nodded. And he was fine, he was.

But he missed Cas.

* * *

With his best friend over an hour’s drive away, Dean moped. He moped all summer, sulked in class, felt an ache in his bones.

Or maybe he was being a little over overdramatic. He was known for his theatrics at this time, because it was the easiest way to make Cas laugh. He couldn’t help it if it spilled into the rest of his life.

“This sucks, Cas.” Dean said for the millionth time.

“Dean, this was the best possible solution.” Cas, always the logical one of their relationship, liked to comfort Dean, even if it was over the phone.

“I wanna see you. And not twice over the summer, I wanna see you every day. I miss you.” Dean mumbled the last bit, but Cas could hear him.

“Dean, I need the phone,” Bobby said, not so patiently waiting for Dean to finish. Dean and Cas had been on the phone for over two hours.

“You know, you could get a cell phone,” Dean piped up after he’d set down the landline.

“Hmph” was Bobby’s reply.

* * *

After Cas received Dean's notebook of art in the mail, they started exchanging letters. They didn't send very many over the summer, because Dean would always come up with some excuse to deliver it himself. They went to an amusement park, got ice cream and walked around the park, saw crappy movies in the tiny theater. Gabe felt guilty for separating the pair, and every day he had off from work he was driving Cas to Dean's house, or bringing Dean home for a sleepover.

But the school year was busier for everyone, not just Cas and Dean at school. Bobby had to lay off some of his staff "due to the economy," as he attempted to explain to Dean. So he had to go in more often, and that meant Dean and Sam had to take the bus. Gabe was working overtime to keep his new job, so weekend trips and sleepovers occurred rarely that year.

Cas and Dean spoke almost every day on the phone, but they still sent letters. It was slower, but Dean found that Cas prefered writing to speaking. Over the months, their phone conversations became short, and the letters longer and more infrequent, until the calls stopped altogether.

 

_Cas,_

_School is hell without you. A girl dressed up as an angel for costume day at school today, and it reminded me of you. Bobby says Castiel is an angel's name, and so is Gabriel and Anna and Michael._

_I could use an angel right now. I called you three times yesterday, and I tried again today, but you didn't pick up. What's wrong? Is everything okay?_

_Dean_

 

_Dean,_

_Sorry for not picking up the phone. Michael found us. He came back from New York and took Anna back with him. He wanted me to come too, he said Gabe can't take care of me. I said no. Mikey has a new girlfriend, but she reminds me of the devil. I don't like her._

_I wish I could raise you from perdition, but I find myself in my own personal hell. More like purgatory. That's where monsters go when they die. I am surrounded by monsters._

_Cas_

 

Dean smiled as he read the newest letter. Cas had recently taken to reading books way about Dean's reading level, and was often using words Dean had to ask Bobby about. When he showed Bobby the letter to ask about "perdition" and "purgatory," Bobby just sighed. 

"That boy Michael, what is he doing?" Bobby mumbled to himself.

Dean replied with a letter about his soccer team losing their game, and Sammy learning chess from Bobby. He really didn't have much to report.

Cas' reply came quickly, written in Gabe's handwriting. Usually, Dean found difficulty in reading Cas' scribble (though he couldn't really talk, his writing was much worse), but Gabe's scribble was almost worse. 

 

_Dean-o,_

 

~~_Gabriel is being mean. Stop it. No, I said stop it Gabe! You suck! (i don't suck you suck)_ ~~

_Anyway as I was saying, th_ _e children here are rude and mean. Except for Meg. She’s nice to me for some reason. ~~(Is she your girlfriend?? No, Gabe, gross!)~~ Everyone else sucks. Well, Garth is nice, though he talks too much._

_I miss you Dean. ~~(Isn't that just so sweet!)~~ I want to see you._

 

_Cas (and Gabe)_

Reading these letters made Dean feel a tinge of something – jealousy, he’d realize later. He didn’t like Cas being far away from him, out of his reach, but he sure as hell didn’t want anyone else to have him either.

Which was ridiculous.

Dean did his best to ignore the subject of the girl that was quickly becoming Cas’ new friend.

* * *

One day Dean had had enough. He couldn't take another sad letter from Cas, or the worse letters describing Meg in excrusiating detail.

He would have to save Cas himself.

It was unusually warm for March, so much that Dean was comfortable outside in only one layer, instead of his usual flannel over shirt over undershirt he adorned.

He hatched a plan as he walked home from the bus stop that Friday afternoon. He'd just need a little help from Bobby, but if he could time it right, it would work out.

That night, after having pleaded and begged to Bobby (and having won), he dialed Cas' number. He almost hesitated - it had been almost two months since he heard Cas over the phone. With more force than necessary, Dean pushed the button to dial, and waited not-so-patiently for Cas to pick up.

When the phone did pick up, it was Gabe. "Hey, Dean-o. Long time, you never call, you never write," Gabe joked.

"I send Cas letters all the time."

"Oh, you mean those little love letters of yours? I meant  _me_ Dean! It's been too long!" Gabe was joking, but Dean had a soft spot in his heart for Cas' older brother, even if it was just for keeping his friend out of the reaches of Michael. He got points for that.

"Anywho, here's Cas. You should see the look on his face, that glare would kill a lesser man. Luckily for you, I am no ordinary man." Gabe laughed, and Dean could hear Cas on the other end ordering Gabe to hand over the phone.

"What's up Cas?" Dean asked once he was sure Gabe was gone.

"Gabe is acting rude."

"As usual."

"Yes."

They chatted for awhile, but they were all caught up in each other's lives, down to the minutiae of things they didn't tell anyone else. All it left was for Dean to do was sigh and say, "I miss you man. I've missed you all year. I need you here."

Cas didn't speak for several long moments, and Dean held his breath. But Cas just said, "I miss you, too." Dean could practically see the small, sad smile on his friends face.

They spoke of their respective hell and purgatory, and Dean worked up the courage to bring up his plan. He didn't quite trust himself not to spoil the whole thing in one breath. As casually as he could, he as Cas if he was free that Friday afternoon.

"I should be. Gabe signed me up for classes at the martial arts center in town, but that won't start for a few weeks. Gabe doesn't think I'm ready for it yet." Cas let out a dramatic sigh, likely more for Gabe's benefit than Dean's.

Meanwhile Dean was doing his best to keep his glee inside. "Cool. Well, um, keep that schedule free. Um, oh, is that Sam? Yup, I'm coming! Gotta go, Cas. Talk later." Dean slammed down the phone with more force than necessary, and let out a gleeful shout. "Yes!"

* * *

 

That Friday, after a little coordination with Gabe, Bobby drove Dean and Sam the hour over to Cas' middle school. It looked worse than Dean's middle school, but that wasn't saying much. Dean tried his best to hide in the back like they'd planned, but as soon as he saw Cas, he threw open the door and ran to him. It honestly looked like the ending of a romcom (which Bobby never watched, shh). As Bobby watched, Dean picked up Cas and swung him around, which was made a little difficult by the fact that Cas was now slightly taller than Dean.

Eventually Gabe went and grabbed them, muttering, "hello to you too." Sam also got a hug from Cas, though it wasn't such an ordeal. Dean couldn't keep his eyes off of Cas, even when they arrived at the water park. Once Cas realized where they were, he shouted in glee, running around wildly with Sam. Dean just looked at him fondly, with the innocent look of a child.

Bobby refused to get in the water, but Gabe had brought shorts for himself and Cas. As they all splashed around, going on the slides a couple of times (the smaller ones, which Dean insisted was because of Sammy), Bobby looked fondly over the family he had somehow adopted.

He loses sight of the boys for a moment, and sees Cas thrashing around in the deep end of the small pool. Before he can look for Gabe or dive in himself, he hears Dean shout, “I’ll save you, Cas!” In a moment, Dean had grabbed Cas and dragged him to the shallow end where Gabe and Sam were diving for pennies. 

Some people said Bobby had his work cut out for him, with two boys (or three) to take care of. But as he watched over them, he realized his job was easy. Cas and Dean would look out for eachother.

 

* * *

Bobby rings the doorbell with a pie in hand. The house is modest, but the signs of its inhabitants are already adorning it. A couple potted plants had been added, and Cas had hung some decorations up on the door and in the windows. Ellen walks up behind him, holding a casserole in her oven-mitt-clad hands. "Are you sure they aren't too  _busy_ to see us?" Ellen winks, and Bobby rolls his eyes. 

"I wish they were, but it seems these boys just can't get their heads outta their asses, even after all these years." Before Bobby can complain further, the front door swings open, revealing Dean in a dusty apron.

"Bobby! Ellen! What are you guys doing here? Cas, come here!" Dean opens the screen door, ushering his adoptive parents inside. 

"We just thought you guys could use a home cooked meal while you're still unpacking, but it looks like you've already got it covered?" Ellen smirks at the amount of flour in Dean's hair.

"Oh, um, I was just trying this recipe, and then Cas found a spider. He's letting it go in the garden, I think." Dean scratches his neck like he does when he was nervous, blushing slightly as he talks about Cas. Dean takes the pie from Bobby and Ellen walks into the kitchen to put down her casserole. 

Dean makes to follow, but Bobby gently touches Dean's elbow, stopping him. "Is everything okay?" Dean asks.

"Is it?" Bobby gives Dean a look, but Dean just looks confused. "Boy, when are you going to get it in your fool head that Cas is in love with you, and that you're in love with him?"

Dean looks stunned, but before he can respond, Cas bounds over with a damp towel. Cas starts to clean off Dean, dusting his hair and shoulders, and Bobby goes into the kitchen before it got more than PG. He might want them to be together finally, but that doesn't mean he needs to see it up close and personal.

"Any luck?" Ellen whispers.

"Naw, but I think I saw Dean actually think for once."

"Hey, I heard that, and I resent it! I think plenty of times!" Dean is smiling, but Bobby can still see the flicker of emotions in his eyes. He just wants what's best for his adoptive son, but at the moment, he is willing to drop it.

"How about we sit down to eat! No thinking required," Ellen announces. As they dig in, Bobby watches Cas and Dean, the two idiots in love. If he can get over himself enough to marry Ellen, surely Cas and Dean can too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What I know about depression is from my own experience. So, please excuse any inaccuracies in this or later chapters. If you see something glaringly wrong, let me know in the comments.


End file.
